You know when you call customer service for a large company? By this time you may be upset and/or concerned or maybe just getting information, your day is just peachy till you need to call the voice of the devil.
So you call, for whatever reason, (Maybe about that embarrassing ointment you just bought? Hey I’m not judging…) they give you a recording menu of some lady (that sounds kind of bitchy in the first place) that asks you questions, and then you answer, then they repeat your answer with something you don’t think you’ve ever said in your life.
Phone: “Hello..and welcome to Ointment USA and Other Items, ‘We don’t judge’.
Say ‘Info’, for..’Information’.
Say ‘Help’ if you need help finding an….ointment.
Say ‘Operator’ for ‘Op….”
Phone: “Did you say…Otter Rape?”
You: “Wha..? No! Oper-ator”
Phone: “Did you say…Opera Tatertots?”
You: “The fuck? No! Op-ER-Ater!
Phone: “Transferring you to..’sales’, Thank you for purchasing 8 otters and 75 boxes of Tatertots. We thank you for your business. Have a great day”
And after you scream into your phone for 15 minutes they finally transfer you to a human being, which happens to be a nice….lady named Shawanda, who always seems to be in the middle of eating lunch no matter what time of day it is.
Maybe you get the help you need, then they try and hustle you into buying something else from this company:
Operator: “By the way we have two wonderful sales on Otters and Tatertots incase you weren’t already aware mmmmmmmmmhm.”
You: “No..no I’m okay. Your system already let me know about this…wonderful sale”
Operator: “Well just incase you mmmmmhm were interested our live Otters are going for $29.95 each and if you buy 5 you get 1 free mmmmmhm and the Tatertots are $9.99 a box and you buy 49 you get 1 free Mmmmhm”
You: “Yeahh, I’m okay? Wouldnt know how to take care of an otter and I’m not a fan of Tatertots..soo”
Operator: “Well incase..you..didn’t..mmhm..know, Otters love Tatertots, they just sit there all day and eat all 49 boxes of Tatertots you can purchase, plus I’ll throw in more of that ointment for $4.95! Mmmmhmmhmmhmmmm”
……you get the point.